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STEP FOUR

 

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

 

Fearless moral inventory right well fearless alone scared the crap out of me never mind moral

 

My first attempt was looking at things others did to me, every thing I perceived they did

 

Not too much about how I treated others or any of the real wrongs that I did to them

 

I had a very negative way of taken a look at myself after all I was the victim not them

 

When I started doing the fourth step I started by writing out all the things that happened

 

I began to see how wrong I had been how I hurt so many people in my drunken ways

 

I did not like what I saw looking at myself and all the crap I put others thru when drinking

 

I know now I did not have any acceptance of anyone else’s feelings until I arrived in the halls

 

I was an angry, broken, twisted, hopelessly lost person drowning in that bottle of booze

 

I did not like looking at how I was at fault trying to control everyone and every thing in my life

 

I wanted everyone to look up to me love me and have respect for me even when I lied to them

 

I demanded too much from them I was playing God with the lives of everyone around me

 

It was really a drunken stupid one-sided relationship I had with the whole world

 

I was told to look at what part I play in all this mess of crap I wrote out still blaming others

 

I was told to start over and do it right after all moral is what’s right and wrong in you

 

And your attitude not in those you perceived did you wrongs to you in your life

 

Had to start a list of all the people that I harmed planning to make amends to them later

 

Looking at the fearless part for all the wrong things I did write down in this inventory

 

I had to also look at as many positive things that happened in my life real hard to do

 

When you think you’re a piece of pond scum hopeless uesless not worth any thing

 

Well the positive kept me balanced and focused on the meaning of the inventory

 

I had to look at all of the good in my life to balance off all the sick things I did drinking

 

Was a long time accepting I could change and become the person God wanted me to be?

 

But I had to find that acceptance of myself and be willing to change the person I was

 

I had to learn how to forgive myself and also to ask forgiveness from those who I hurt

 

This was to help me get the stuff out of my head and on paper where I can't project on it

 

Only then would I be able to honesty share it with another human being in my fifth step

 

It was the beginning of accepting forgiveness moving on with my new life walking with God

 

Keeping an attitude of gratitude with an open mind is what I strive for in this new life

 

I don't know what Gods plans are for the future but I am glad to be part of them today

 

God does know who I am and what I have done and He has already forgiven me

 

God has worked wonders in my acceptance of myself and of others in my life

 

He keeps me right sized and I like being just another bozo in the middle of the bus

 

I pray you can find the strength to look into your pass and change as I have

 

God Bless      LT30Al

 

 

 

 

 

 

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