"Made direct amends to such
people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or
others."
Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and
prudence--these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine.
After we have made the list of people we have harmed,
have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess
ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the
making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes.
There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become
reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to
whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or
others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be
deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we
shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all.
Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct
amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous. The moment we tell our
families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In
this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution. We want to come
in the door shouting the good news. After coming from our first meeting, or
perhaps after we have finished reading the book "Alcoholics
Anonymous," we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and
readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to
go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with. This
will be a very different occasion, and in sharp contrast with those hangover
mornings when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family
(and everyone else) for our troubles. At this first sitting, it is necessary
only that we make a general admission of our defects. It may be unwise at this
stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgment will suggest that we
ought to take our time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst,
we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the
expense of others.
Much the same approach will apply at the office or
factory. We shall at once think of a few people who know all about our
drinking, and who have been most affected by it. But even in these cases, we
may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the family. We may
not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First we will wish to be
reasonably certain that we are on the A.A. beam. Then we are ready to go to
these people, to tell them what A.A. is, and what we are trying to do. Against
this background we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our
apologies. We can pay, or promise to pay, whatever obligations, financial or
otherwise, we owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity
will often astonish us. Even our severest and most justified critics will
frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial.
This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be
so exhilarating as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for
more of the same. Or we may be tipped over in the other direction when, in rare
cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. This will tempt us to argue, or
to press our point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt us to discouragement and
pessimism. But if we have prepared ourselves well in advance, such reactions
will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose.
After taking this preliminary trial at making amends,
we may enjoy such a sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. We
will want to rest on our laurels. The temptation to skip the more humiliating
and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture
plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just
procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have
already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk
prudence while practicing evasion.
As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way
of life and have begun, by our behavior and example, to convince those about us
that we are indeed changing for the better, it is usually safe to talk in
complete frankness with those who have been seriously affected, even those who
may be only a little or not at all aware of what we have done to them. The only
exceptions we will make will be cases where our disclosure would cause actual
harm. These conversations can begin in a casual or natural way. But if no such
opportunity presents itself, at some point we will want to summon all our
courage, head straight for the person concerned, and lay our cards on the
table. We needn't wallow in excessive remorse before those we have harmed, but
amends at this level should always be forthright and generous.
There can only be one consideration which should
qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That
will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would
seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as
important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of
extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or
husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let's
try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten
our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier.
Many a razor-edged question can arise in other
departments of life where this same principle is involved. Suppose, for
instance, that we have drunk up a good chunk of our firm's money, whether by
"borrowing" or on a heavily padded expense account. Suppose that this
may continue to go undetected, if we say nothing. Do we instantly confess our
irregularities to the firm, in the practical certainty that we will be fired
and become unemployable? Are we going to be so rigidly righteous about making
amends that we don't care what happens to the family and home? Or do we first
consult those who are to be gravely affected? Do we lay the matter before our
sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and
guidance--meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost
what it may? Of course, there is no pat answer which can fit all such dilemmas.
But all of them do require a complete willingness to make amends as fast and as
far as may be possible in a given set of conditions.
Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that
we are not delaying because we are afraid. For the readiness to take the full
consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of
others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.
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