My
Thoughts on Step One
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had
become unmanageable.
The
admitting is the easy part but accepting my alcoholism was the part I did not
understand if I was to start the recovering process I had to admit my
powerlessness and the unrestricted acceptance that by myself I cannot behave in
a "normal" fashion I had to hit bottom and find the humility that
allowed me to accept the help the Program offers.
Step
one says my powerlessness is only about my alcoholism it doesn't say I was
powerless over anything else the Step makes it clear that my life was a unmanageable
because of alcoholism
The admission and
acceptance of my need for help is probably the most powerful action I could
take for myself
This
is not the way Step one is talked about in most meetings today the popular view
is that as recovering alcoholics we are powerless forever over everything this
is a myth that has grown up in the Fellowship over time and it's truly sloppy
thinking and far from what the founders intended
The
reasons behind the myth of powerlessness comes from fear of relapse this fear
can keep me powerless over everything if I don’t follow the Steps and I know
for me this was going to take all the honesty and humility I could muster up
step one is the only one I needed to do with absolute perfection to accept and
surrender to my disease
It
is but the very beginning of recovery of a three fold disease physical, mental,
and spiritual all the other steps are useless if we do not surrender and accept
step one I admitted I was an alcoholic some 15 years before I knew what that
really was after all why else would I act the way I did
Admitting
I was an alcoholic was just not the same as admitting I was powerless if I
wanted to stop I would have to admit that powerlessness I would also have to
accept I can't drink in safety ever again what a relief to finally accept my
powerlessness over drinking
When
I went to a treatment center that’s where I really surrender to my disease I
finally ACCEPTED I was an alcoholic and I needed help I just had nothing left
in me I was alone totally hopeless full of remorse shame guilt fear despair and
hopelessness I had no life left to manage so I had become as desperate as a
dying man could be
Thank
God this step was designed to restore me to a balance in my view of myself the
notion that I was forever powerless could keep me in a victim role that I
played very well when drunk it gave me a lot of excuses to avoid responsibility
for anything or anyone
The
first step is just that the beginning of a process of letting go of our
alcoholism I think it works best when I really understand this and to accept I
have to be the one to change almost everything about me and my attitudes not
the attitudes of other people places and things in my life
My
knowledge of the disease came from many sources like the Big Book then I was
given a copy of the 12 & 12 I listened in AA meetings and got more
information I found a sponsor he gave me more help on taken this first big step
I learned how to become honest with myself and others
My
sponsor told me to writing about the times I drank when I did not intend to
drink and got drunk when I was only going to have a couple when I was just
going to stop at so many this was another way to bring these to the front of my
memory and consciousness and it worked
Doing this writing had the effect of helping
me remember more of the times when I was total insane thinking I could stop
when I wanted to I know writing about my powerlessness over alcohol was an
invaluable tool in my recovering from my disease of alcoholism and helps to
restore me to sanity
Even
after all this I still had a real hard time in seeking out this HP they talked
about at all the meetings I went to it almost scared me off but I was willing
to go to any length to stay sober and because of my sponsor I did have the open
mind to the changes he told me I had to make
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