12-20-02
From Out Of The Wreckage
Lets
start at the beginning of my story, I was the youngest of four boys, my dad
left long before I was born, not to take his inventory, but I do think he was
an alcoholic only from stories I have been told, not ever meeting the man I
could not judge him myself, but I sure did have a very intense hatred of a man
I never met. He was my best excuse to act the way I did. I thought I was always
picked on because, I was the youngest and just knew all my brothers hated me
and loved to see me cry, always in a state of anger towards almost everyone in
my life At age nine I found a case of dandelion wine this was to be the magic
cure all for everything in my life. I drank a couple of bottles felt good going
down but boy coming back up it was hell I was sick for a week after drinking
the wine, but deep inside me I liked the feeling it gave me, the sense of well
being I felt, before I got sick, like nothing seemed to bother me. Was not long
before I found out that beer gave me those same feeling and it did not make me
as sick as the wine.
When I drank I learned how to control my emotions, never
again would anyone make me cry, or see my hurt, never again would I show anyone
the fear with-in me. If you hit me I would laugh at you, if you yell at me I
would laugh at you, laughter was my mask for every thing, the only emotion I
would ever show was total defiance of anyone who got into my face, I went
through my adolescent years learning how not to show feelings, I was a terror
in the city I lived in, I ran with a gang of misfits like myself, we caused a
lot of damage in this city breaking into the country club many times, stealing
all the booze and ransacking the place causing lots of damage to the property.
My attitude was simply; yes I was a liar and thief, if
you did not like it tough, I would beat you up if you said anything to me. I
turned into a monster, I held onto the hatred of my dad, it was feeding my ego
after a few years of this tough guy crap I got my license to drive and we were
off to the races drinking and driving feeling more powerful everyday the bunch
of us got caught up in the gang mentality. When one of them got caught stealing
he was arrested and told every thing we had been doing. The whole thing went
before the grand jury and we were facing time. But even then God was there with
me, the kid who first got caught was the son of the trustee of the country
club, he told his dad he took the keys to get into the club, and had done so
many other times, he also told him after we ransacked the club we would lock
the doors, throw a brick thru the window, to make it look like we broke in, we
did many other things breaking into places and stealing booze and other things,
think you get the picture.
Well court time was upon us and the city fathers did not
want to make an example anymore, because to many of there own kids were
involved, they just did not want to see them locked up, but gang mentality time
was over, we all had real first hand experiences on the thing called amends and
restitution. I had to find a job to pay back for all the damage. Still I
thought none of this really was caused by my drinking, just got bad breaks in
the monster department, only learned if you steal it or break it you pay for
it, I Had to surrender my license to the court then. Found a job and started to
pay back the restitution and fines but continued to drink. The drinking picked
up now, working I had money to buy the beer this is the point I learned, liquor
really was quicker, had a great job new drinking friends, I joined a men’s club
at 18 and was served at this club never forget the bartenders face on my 21st
birthday when I told him I was now legal and did not need that phony ID anymore
Time just seem to fly by, work was great had learned a
trade became a tool and die maker, was active in this club ran for president,
and got the job, met my first wife in the club her step father was president
before me, she came to the club a lot with them, she had a son who’s father was
killed when he hit a tree coming to see her. We fell in love and we went
everywhere together, was going to marry later on that year. But one day I went
to a bowling tournament in another city with the club, got drunk blacked out when
we got back into town I drove out to see her, I had some words with her step
father so he thru me out, and I went speeding home.
A cop saw me speeding, turned on blue lights, and I
thought I could out run him, well my gas pedal was frozen to the floor, when he
caught me I put my car in reverse and almost backed into him, he called for
back up and four cruisers came to his aid. They ordered me out of the car at
gunpoint and when I open the door I slide out on my face to the ground. Thank
God his back up were friends of mine from the club, they picked me up thru me
in the back of there cruiser and rushed me off to booking. The rookie cop just
wanted to bash my head in took quite a while for my friends to talk him out of
it well all this blow by blow description was told to me by another club
member, I was stopped right in front of his house and he said at first it
scared him to see all the cops there but he busted out laughing when he saw who
they stopped.
I did not see any humor in that, but then I was scared
out of my mind when I woke up behind bars, did not know what I did or why I was
there, you would think that would be enough to make anyone stop, but not me, I
went to court, got a big write up on front page of newspaper, president of club
arrested for DWI, sure made me feel like a slug, but not for one moment did I
think it was my drinking that did this to me, if only her step father had
listen to me instead of throwing me out of his house. Now thanks to him I had
no licenses to drive, so as a good alkie I moved up the wedding, got married
right away because she had to drive me all around, but was not long before I
drove without the licenses. God watching over me again never got stopped, even
had the nerve to ask a cop for directions in Boston half in the bag but he just
gave me the directions I needed.
I thought we had a good marriage at first, but my
drinking just got worst. I was never there for her, always working or going to
the club, I adopted the boy, he became my son felt great to be his father, but
was way to strict with him. Then we had a little girl when she was about four
months old, my wife went to visit her mom in the next town over, she left the
baby in the crib and thought I knew this, well when I got to her mothers she
asked where’s the baby, like the smart ass I always was I said where ever you
put her down, her jaw dropped she said I left her with you what the hells the
matter with you. One scary ride home to our house thank God the baby never woke
up and she was OK, one of the amends I made later on in recovery, even though
she did not know I had left her, I needed to make that amends. Soon after we
took the geographical cure packed up and moved from Massachusetts to
California, took all our worldly goods and off we went. I do not remember a lot
about the trip I was in a fog most of the way, only thing I remember was
camping, out we had a pop-up camper, every morning I would look for the sun,
head in that direction just knew we were going west, after a few beer I would
get out the map to see what route we would take that day.
This was the beginning of the end for us, she just had
enough of my crap, because of my skills as tool maker and machinist I always
found great jobs, always was in demand, always left before I got fired, my
reasons were always, better job, more money, well California did not last long
my drinking just progressed, to the point I was drinking 8 oz. Glasses of 100
proof vodka and washing down 20 to 30 Mg of valium on a daily basis. My wife
just wanted to go home I did not know at the time she wanted to go home to be
near her friends and family when she told me to get out of her life, and never
come back. Hard words to take she said she has not loved me for the past two
years, has no respect for me, and boy she sure as hell was not taking me back
out of pity. WOW! My life as I knew it just crashed down all around me, could
not believe it was happening. She even waited till I got another job, driving a
truck around town picking up electric motors to repair, good job started in
morning, drank and popped valium most of the day, got back late at night boss
never around.
After moving out and being on my own for a short time, I
got real angry about how she took everything away from me. I decided to end it
all, I started to travel down the road to the very tree my son’s father crashed
into and died. I was going to do the same thing but only I wanted to die, over
come with the rage in me, I would show her if I was going to die, it was going
to hurt her, having me die in the same place. Again God entered my life, the
pictures of my two kids flashed before me, I slammed on the brakes stopping
just in time only put a dent in my bumper, but I sat there and cried for a
while, then I remember the mental institution two towns over so I went there,
banging on the door at three in the morning, I told the attendant, after I woke
him up, I need help I just tried to kill myself, well his answer really ticked
me off he said get lost you GD drunk, go bother some one else.
I started back home and was speeding down Rt. 2, a state
cop pulled me over, I told him to arrest me I just tried to kill myself, he
knew I was drunk, he did a strange thing, he told me to follow him to this rest
area just down the road, when we got there he took my license and my keys, he
said I want you to stay here till I get back. Now I had a big decision to make
should I stay, or just go home, I had another set of key, but he also had my
license, so I did stay, when he came back with coffee, he told me I didn’t want
to die, I just didn’t know how to live. He said look at you, you’re drunk, and
you don’t know how to stop. There’s a place you can go to for help, it’s a
hospital in Ashburnham, they helps drunks change their lives around, and teach
them how to live.
You know I called the place that morning, and guess what,
they just had a bed opening up, was signing out the man as we were speaking,
come right over. Wow! God again entering my life I went over and spent the next
30 days there drying out. First thing I got back was my anger towards my wife,
and what she did to me, I called her, she came up to hospital to see me with
the kids, I thought it was all going to be good now, she can see I am getting
help, and I was going to change, only problem was by this time she was seeing
another man. She told me how wonderful he was, how much she loved him, went
right over my head, I just wanted her back and my world turn back to normal,
like it ever was normal, guess you all know that was not to happen. Sure we
took the kids on a picnic one Sunday, when I was still in hospital, we just
talked about things, how the kids were doing, how they missed me. But her new
love always came up in our talks, and boom this only brought out the
resentments anger and rage, thank God I never hit her, but the words could have
killed anyone.
When I got out of treatment, I still wanted everything
back the way it was, sure I was still sick, but I did go to meetings everyday,
I still had that job driving the truck, I was still hurting a lot did not want
God in my life. Took about 6 months to realize that God had always been there
for me, it was not His will that we got back together, and I had to move on
with my life. One night at the end of a meeting, when we said the our father,
WOW a light bulb went off in my head, all these years saying I did not have a
father, now it dawned on me I really did have a father, God was my father, He
never left me, I left Him, that night was a spiritual awakening, an awareness
that I did have a father who had always loved me.
I started to really look at the steps, I also wanted to
learn about this new God of my understanding, even went as far as reading the
New Testament in the bible, started to go to a church, but never fell at home
there, my spiritually was coming from the halls of AA down stairs in the
basements of churches. The time came for me to ask God with, all the humility I
could find, to take the desire to drink away, take the demons, or whatever it
was away from me, I was staying at my moms and sleeping on a hide bed sofa,
after asking God to remove these things, I fell asleep only to be awakened by
what I thought were rat like creatures trying to eat their way into my body, I
remember throwing them at the wall of my moms living room, felt the fear
pounding away in my heart, then I fell back into a deep sleep.
When this happened I was 6 Mo. Sober, I tell you the
peace and serenity I felt at that time, was like I was transported into another
world of absolute Love, I slept for 36 hours straight, on that hide a bed with
the metal bar in the center, my Mother checked on me to see if I was still
alive, because in all that time I never moved. I felt like a new man when I
woke up, I had the feeling of total serenity, the peace and serenity I fell
that night was perfect unconditional love from God. Like He had come down and
picked me up holding me in his arms. When I got up I had the feeling that
everything in my new world was going to be all right. I had just had a
spiritual experience, like the white light one Bill W had, I know I felt Gods
presents that morning, He has been with me till this day. I have not had the
desire to drink again, and I began a new life free from that bondage of myself.
Even after all that, I have at times, still doubted there was a God in my life.
I could not hear what He was saying, when I was listening with a closed mind,
filled with self-pity, hopelessness, and despair. So I knew I needed to be
vigilant about the action I was taken each day, to be better able to hear Him.
He has so many ways to communicate with us, I need to have an open channel to
listen to His message.
Well thinks started to get better real fast after that
night, did not get my wife back, but did get the love and respect of my two
children, I started to see them a lot. I took my son on Tuesday, and my
daughter on Thursday, and every other weekend I had them both, was the best
time in my life, sharing the new hope I had with them, given them the love they
never got when I was drinking, going camping with them, laying out under the
stars, talking about my new found God, of Love and understanding, was quality
time at its very best, and to think I almost died, before I learned how to live
and love them.
Well as time went on God thought it was time for me to
move into my own place, so I moved to the south side of the city, I found a
wonderful 3 room apartment completely furnished, a playground right across the
street from it. I know it was Gods doing. Because this is when I met my angel,
God knew I needed someone in my life to help me share all the wonderful things,
He was going to put in front of me. Fourteen months sober, now on my own
feeling the loneliness, at night, wanting more from life. Here God put this
angel into my life. When I first met Sandy we both were at a treatment center,
she went her way after treatment, I went my way, but we did see each other at
the meetings, it was good to see her growing and walking thru the pain of her
recovery. God knew she lived just up the street from me.
We met at the playground one afternoon, I had my kids
with me, she came down with her kids, Sandy and I just sat there watching the
kids, talking about how much our lives were changing, I invited her down for
coffee almost every time I saw her, but she never seemed to come for coffee. So
one day I asked her to dinner at my place. She accepted!And she did come down
for dinner that night, It had been a long time since either of us had dated,
and we really did not think of this night as a date, just two friends having
dinner together. We talked for some time about how many things we had in
common, how we both wanted the same things in life, we had shared our feelings,
of being hurt, of our guilt, remorse, shame, anger, and despair, all the
feelings that put us in our own personal little hells, we had shared so many
feelings about each other, because of where we met, and how we wanted to change
our lives around. We were like a couple of school kids; I walked her home and
kissed her good night.
My feelings about God came from my awareness, of His presents
in my life, and the love He has given me, to share with my angel Sandy. God
brought her into my life one of His most precious gifts to me to love and share
everything together; our feelings are the most important things we share with
each other. Six months later we got married, another one of those things I said
I would never do again, but we just fell in love. Sandy always says she fell in
love with my daughter first because my daughter was always sitting on her lap
at the meetings,
In our marriage we had the problems of our pasts, It was
not an easy thing in the beginning, after all we both had kids to think about,
they had some damage done to them, so as a family, we had a lot of baggage to
work thru with the kids, as well as with ourselves. We try hard to not take
each others inventories, but instead try to share our feeling towards each
other and how we raise our children, I never thought of them as her kids, and
my kids, but always thought of them all as our kids. We had many problems
through out our lives raising the kids, physical problem, and many other
problems, but that’s another whole story.
Twenty seven years later we are still on our honeymoon,
and its been the best thing that has ever happen to me, we had a lot of baggage
to work on, but together we raise Sandy’s four children, and had my two every
weekend for many years, till they all grew up and went out on their own, life
was very difficult many times on our path thru life but we met the challenges
as they appeared. When I look back on it all now, I know when Sandy and I were
in treatment God had a plan for us, I think when God picked-up the broken
pieces of my life He had a big broom, when He swept the floor, the broken
pieces of Sandy’s life were mixed in with the broken pieces of my life, instead
of sorting out the millions of pieces, He just ground them all up and made one
big piece of clay, cut it in half and molded two people from it, Sandy and Al.
I like what God made, out of all the broken pieces of us, He took a lot of
junk, a lot of broken pieces, and created two warm and gentle images of
Himself, what we did with them, was up to us, for today we are one person in
two bodies, we don't have to suffer any more for yesterdays mistakes today is
the first day of the rest of are lives.
Thanks
for taken the time to read my story
God
bless you
Al
M /
LT25
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