LOCKED UP AND DESPERATE

      How are things on the outside ? I have been learning so much about myself I'm proud. But if there is a God then why did I try to end my life?

      I'm on suicide watch taking anti-depression pills and talking to a shrink, I tell you it sucks, I keep asking God for help, but I still feel the same I really do want to end it all, if I get another chance I will do it right this time. I don't want to live without my wife. I know I have hurt her but it doesn't help when we can't see or talk. She is what keeps my heart alive she knows what's good in life and she is the rib God took from me, I know what your going to say, it's not worth ending my life. Well that's what I want to do She is my world I just don't know why she won't let me prove myself to her I really need to talk to her.

      I tell you I wish sometimes I never changed because I never cared before. Now I have feelings all because my wife said I should try to change well look what happened and how I still feel could you please go talk to my wife. I know she needs someone to talk to, not our loser friends, but someone who cares and understands, ask her to please come up so we can talk, I'm going crazy, I do believe if we talk I will feel different about my life, I would be grateful if you could do this.

      I received your letter and will try to see your wife, all I can do is ask her if she would like to go see you and talk, I can't make you any promises about your future with her, but I hope you realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, it's just as important for you to be there for you children, they need your love and respect, part of God's love for you, is in them, you have to be strong for them as well as for yourself.

      I know now when I got married to my first wife, I though she was a permanent part of me, but I forgot that she had feelings, and a mind of her own, I really had know right to think I owned her, or that we would be together forever, living by my angry selfish rules. When she told me to leave, my heart felt like it was torn right out of my chest, I thought I could never live without her, the truth of the matter was that I probably could never really have lived with her, without arguing and fighting all the time. I never though about how much I was hurting my children, by my constant fighting, I now they deserved much more than I had given them when I was drinking.

      When I realized my marriage was over, my children became the most important part of my recovery, I had the most important thing a father could give to them, my time, and all the misplaced love I had never given them. I learned thru them how to become the person I was intended to be, not the same person I was when I drank.

      Today I thank God He didn't let me take my life, because I never learned what life really was all about, I was given unconditional love, thru the people in Alcoholic's Anonymous, most of them had traveled the same road as you and I have traveled, we all made it and I know that you can to. Try to live just for today, we all had to prove to those we hurt, we are changing but this takes a lot of time, it took us a lot of time to get the way we were, and learning a new way of life isn't going to happen overnight.

      Your going to be needed by your children, and it would be a tragic mistake, if you should leave them, when they need you the most. Just think what will happen if you give them the message, that if life as we think it should be is over, then it's all right to die. I know you don't want to hear these types of things, but the reality is, many times in our lives we think it's OK to end it all, just when things could be getting better, to die, is to never know how much we are loved, and needed by others, If I took my life when I thought I could not go on anymore, I could not be here for you, or anyone else now, and I like to feel I have helped many people like us learn to live in this new world we are making for our future, and the future of our children.

      Use this time to learn how to heal the mistakes you made in the past, I hope you will consider going to a halfway house, and try to learn how to handle your anger and fear, you can learn how to overcome the things in your life, that you use to drink or drug over, remember that people places and things are not our problems, we are our own problems, going to a halfway house will help you find the solution to most of your problems, and will give you a chance to become the father your children can love and respect, give them a chance to learn there is love and happiness in this world, ,with-out having to go down the same road we went down, You need to learn how to live, so you can teach your children how to live. Accept God's will as being exactly what it is supposed to be at this moment, time heals all wounds and thru practicing the twelve steps you will have a great life, I have given up so little, to gain so much, that it is inconceivable to me to have ever though of dying, before I ever learned how to live.

      Thank you for your letter I showed it to the chaplain, he explained it to me, I do realize how important life is, It will be very hard to go on because I do love my wife, and children. I know I did do a lot of damage to her. I keep praying to God, thanking him for not drinking or drugging while I'm in here, It's real hard because I feel like just given up, I don't want to lose her, but I promised God, I would leave my life in His hands, He does know what's best for me, at least I have my children and all my new friends in A.A. I guess that's all I really need.

      I received your letter it's good to hear from you, we went to see your wife she is doing well, but at this time she doesn't feel comfortable going to see you, especially with the kids, I don't want to give you any false hope, but she said she would still like to be friends and she would not keep you from your children, as long as you are clean and sober.

      I think that God is trying to help you, it just isn't the way you see it right now, when I first got sober, I wanted everything back the way it was, this was not to be in my case, I tried so hard to change my wife, I pushed her farther away from me, I think I scared the hell out of her at times, the more I tried, the further I pushed her from me. I know if I tried to work on my faults, before I ask her to come back into my life, it my have been different, but I really didn't know what God had in store for me, I do know now if we did get back together, nothing in our lives would have changed for the better, we would have been so busy trying to change each other, we could never have agreed on anything positive, looking back now a halfway house, would have been the best choice I could have made, unfortunately I didn't make that choice and I suffered because of it.

      I really hope you can learn from my mistake and just give it a try. It will be a safe place for you, and your wife can bring the kids to see you there .It will also show her that you really want to change, and your willing to go to any length to do it. In a structured environment you will learn how to change your behavior patterns and begin to learn who you really are.

      I know you can do it, you just have to surrender to your disease, and accept all the help put in your path, believe me when I tell you life can never get better, until we get better, we all had to work on ourselves first, before anything else could get better. with all the extra help you will get from the counselors , and the support, of other men, who are going thru the same type of things, your going thru, I know you will see what God has in store for you. nothing happens over night, but taking time and working on yourself, will teach you how to be honest, and truthful, first to yourself, then to everyone around you. You must first learn to respect yourself, then show that new respect to everyone else in your life.

      Remember if you don't have a plan when you get out, you will be right back with your old friends, doing the same things, and wondering, why your life is still going down hill. You need a safe place to be when you get out, so you can work on all your issues. The last thing you need is to go back into the hell, you have been living in, God has open the gates of hell, to let you out, all you have to do is face your fears, and move forward, up the twelve steps of recovery, to freedom and happiness.

11-8-98                           written by LT                     design by LT