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STEP ONE

 

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable."

 

If I could choose not to pick up a drink where then would be my need for A.A. or for a Higher Power?

 

Step one is the only one I needed to do with absolute perfection to surrender and to accept

 

Step one is but the very beginning of recovery of a three-fold disease mind body and soul

 

All the other steps are completely useless if I do not totally surrender and accept step one

 

Yes I admitted to other drinks I was an alcoholic some 15 years before I knew what that really was

 

I told people I was an alcoholic that’s why I drink the way I do got a problem with that so what! Big deal!

 

If you don't like the way I drink that’s your problem not mine I have a right to drink any way I choose

 

Well I have to tell you that’s how to win friends and influence people when you’re a drunk

 

Admitting I was an alcoholic was just not the same as admitting I was totally powerless over alcohol

 

Well I want to stop and I had to admit my powerlessness and accept I couldn’t drink in safety again

 

What a relief it was to finally accept my powerlessness over drinking its easy to admit that today

 

Drinking I never did accept what powerlessness was most of the time I was just to drunk to walk home

 

The cops had stopped me many times because I was to drunk to drive but all they did was take me home

 

So I would not crash my car or run over anyone being active in my men’s club was a bonus to me

 

Because most of the cops went there all the big shots of the city gathered there as well

 

So one-hand washes the other I should have been arrested many times some times wish I were arrested

 

My wife was not so forgiven about this crap finally she said she had enough and said get the hell out

 

Took another 2 months before I just said the hell with it all my life is not worth living with-out my family

 

Well so angry and hurt I almost ran my car into a big tree only but for the grace of God I stopped in time

 

My kids flashed into my mind I put a dent in the bumper of the car and just sat there and cried for a long time

 

Then drove 20 mile and I tried to get into a mental hospital but they said I was just a drunk and to get lost

 

Looking back on that today I have to admit it was true and it was 2:00 am and I woke up the attendant

 

I went to a treatment center the next day that’s where I really surrender to my disease I finally ACCEPTED

 

I was an alcoholic and I needed help I just had nothing left in me to fight I was alone totally hopeless

 

Full of remorse, shame, guilt, fear, despair, and hopelessness I had no life left to manage

 

So I had become as desperate as a dying man could be I had nothing left to turn to except the fellowship

 

This was not easy to do the very first thing I got back was all my anger towards how my wife treated me

 

Took lots of meetings to learn how I did all this to myself not her thru the use and abuse of alcohol

 

I needed to change everything about my attitudes towards life to survive surrender not only to alcohol

 

I had to also surrender to my self with my self centered ways I did not get back all the things I lost

 

Had new relationship with my kids based on total honesty and open mindedness to Gods love for us

 

Today I have power of choice I can pick up another drink or I can remain teachable and do Gods work

 

I remember being with a group of people in a van from the treatment center Going to our first meeting

 

I was scared although I would never admitted that to anyone in the van Always had the false mask on

 

Still not letting anyone get to close to see the fear Well got to meeting and I went thru the door

 

I looked around to see if I knew anyone in the room it did not look long the whole first row at meeting

 

About 10 people jumped up Looked over the people and said Hi Al we knew you would find us one day

 

Welcome to alcoholics anonymous Al please Come on up front we have a seat right here with us

 

Well after the embarrassment was over I went and sat with them they talked about how it works

 

They offered to come up to visit they were more than willing to tell me how they got into the halls

 

Well for the first time in my life I said I would like them to come up to see me so I had friends in AA

 

Right from day one friends wow from the first day I got here lost many of my fears that First night  

 

But I still had the mask of fear on I still wanted to be hiding and not showing any of my emotions

 

Even when the tears were almost coming I held them back for fear someone would think I was weak

 

And not in control of my own life well damn it I was not in control of anything I was totally powerless

 

I soon admitted that to another friend who was in treatment with me, we became life long friends

 

 He passed Away a few years ago but he died sober and had whole his family to see him off with Love

 

I needed to hear what others thought powerlessness was before I could admit it to myself

 

Let alone to another person I was in charge of my life all I really needed to do is stop drinking

 

Well that was insanity sure I was powerless over alcohol and I was insane

 

To think that I could still drink and expect to have different results

 

The miracle was just going to happen this time I drink yes I sure was insane

 

But you know the thing is I did get different results each time I drank

 

I lost a little more Every time I tried it differently finally I had lost every thing

 

The powerlessness of my life Caught up with me I just did not want to go on anymore

 

Never in my life did I think I could change anything about myself and start over again

 

I was a real nut case when I got to the doors I came in hopeless and full of fear and self-pity

 

Then I was told that I was powerless only when I put the drink into me what a relief

 

Well I surrendered completely to God to AA and to myself started working on the 12 steps

 

And change everything about me I just pretend I did die and forgot everything I had

 

God would sort it out and give me back what was good and the crap He will discard

 

Well He sure knew what I needed to stay sober and I am grateful I listened

 

I have a happy and useful life today Filled with joy and happiness for what God has given me

 

Also grateful for what God has taken from me my hopelessness and despair

 

And most of all thru the steps grateful for what God has left me a life full of love for all

 

I hope you all listen when he shows you the way

 

I had a lot of footwork to do but I was not alone I had the help of the God

 

God Bless everyone

  

 

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