STEP ONE
"We
admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become
unmanageable."
If
I could choose not to pick up a drink where then would be my need
for A.A. or for a Higher Power?
Step
one is the only one I needed to do with absolute perfection to surrender and to
accept
Step
one is but the very beginning of recovery of a three-fold disease mind body and
soul
All
the other steps are completely useless if I do not totally surrender and accept
step one
Yes
I admitted to other drinks I was an alcoholic some 15 years before I knew what
that really was
I
told people I was an alcoholic that’s why I drink the way I do got a problem
with that so what! Big deal!
If
you don't like the way I drink that’s your problem not mine I have a right to
drink any way I choose
Well
I have to tell you that’s how to win friends and influence people when you’re a
drunk
Admitting
I was an alcoholic was just not the same as admitting I was totally powerless
over alcohol
Well
I want to stop and I had to admit my powerlessness and accept I couldn’t drink
in safety again
What
a relief it was to finally accept my powerlessness over drinking its easy to
admit that today
Drinking
I never did accept what powerlessness was most of the time I was just to drunk
to walk home
The
cops had stopped me many times because I was to drunk to drive but all they did
was take me home
So
I would not crash my car or run over anyone being active in my men’s club was a
bonus to me
Because
most of the cops went there all the big shots of the city gathered there as
well
So
one-hand washes the other I should have been arrested many times some times
wish I were arrested
My
wife was not so forgiven about this crap finally she said she had enough and
said get the hell out
Took
another 2 months before I just said the hell with it all my life is not worth
living with-out my family
Well
so angry and hurt I almost ran my car into a big tree only but for the grace of
God I stopped in time
My
kids flashed into my mind I put a dent in the bumper of the car and just sat
there and cried for a long time
Then
drove 20 mile and I tried to get into a mental hospital but they said I was
just a drunk and to get lost
Looking
back on that today I have to admit it was true and it was 2:00 am and I woke up
the attendant
I
went to a treatment center the next day that’s where I really surrender to my
disease I finally ACCEPTED
I
was an alcoholic and I needed help I just had nothing left in me to fight I was
alone totally hopeless
Full
of remorse, shame, guilt, fear, despair, and hopelessness I had no life left to
manage
So
I had become as desperate as a dying man could be I had nothing left to turn to
except the fellowship
This
was not easy to do the very first thing I got back was all my anger towards how
my wife treated me
Took
lots of meetings to learn how I did all this to myself not her thru the use and
abuse of alcohol
I
needed to change everything about my attitudes towards life to survive surrender
not only to alcohol
I
had to also surrender to my self with my self centered ways I did not get back
all the things I lost
Had new relationship with my kids based on total
honesty and open mindedness to Gods love for us
Today
I have power of choice I can pick up another drink or I can remain teachable
and do Gods work
I
remember being with a group of people in a van from the treatment center Going
to our first meeting
I
was scared although I would never admitted that to anyone in the van Always had
the false mask on
Still
not letting anyone get to close to see the fear Well got to meeting and I went
thru the door
I
looked around to see if I knew anyone in the room it did not look long the
whole first row at meeting
About
10 people jumped up Looked over the people and said Hi Al we knew you would
find us one day
Welcome
to alcoholics anonymous Al please Come on up front we have a seat right here
with us
Well
after the embarrassment was over I went and sat with them they talked about how
it works
They
offered to come up to visit they were more than willing to tell me how they got
into the halls
Well
for the first time in my life I said I would like them to come up to see me so
I had friends in AA
Right
from day one friends wow from the first day I got here lost many of my fears
that First night
But I still had the mask of fear on I still wanted
to be hiding and not showing any of my emotions
Even
when the tears were almost coming I held them back for fear someone would think
I was weak
And
not in control of my own life well damn it I was not in control of anything I
was totally powerless
I
soon admitted that to another friend who was in treatment with me, we became
life long friends
He passed Away a few years ago but he
died sober and had whole his family to see him off with Love
I
needed to hear what others thought powerlessness was before I could admit it to
myself
Let
alone to another person I was in charge of my life all I really needed to do is
stop drinking
Well
that was insanity sure I was powerless over alcohol and I was insane
To
think that I could still drink and expect to have different results
The
miracle was just going to happen this time I drink yes I sure was insane
But
you know the thing is I did get different results each time I drank
I
lost a little more Every time I tried it differently finally I had lost every
thing
The
powerlessness of my life Caught up with me I just did not want to go on anymore
Never
in my life did I think I could change anything about myself and start over again
I
was a real nut case when I got to the doors I came in hopeless and full of fear
and self-pity
Then
I was told that I was powerless only when I put the drink into me what a relief
Well I
surrendered completely to God to AA and to myself started working on the 12
steps
And
change everything about me I just pretend I did die and forgot everything I had
God
would sort it out and give me back what was good and the crap He will discard
Well
He sure knew what I needed to stay sober and I am grateful I listened
I
have a happy and useful life today Filled with joy and happiness for what God
has given me
Also
grateful for what God has taken from me my hopelessness and despair
And
most of all thru the steps grateful for what God has left me a life full of
love for all
I
hope you all listen when he shows you the way
I had a
lot of footwork to do but I was not alone I had the help of the God
God
Bless everyone
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