"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another
human being the exact nature
of our wrongs."
All of A.A.'s Twelve Steps ask us to
go contrary to our natural desires . . .they all deflate our egos. When it
comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than five. But scarcely
any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this
one.
A.A. experience has taught us we
cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which
cause or aggravate them. If we have swept the searchlight of Step Four back and
forth over our careers, and it has revealed in stark relief those experiences
we'd rather not remember, if we have come to know how wrong thinking and action
have hurt us and others, then the need to quit living by ourselves with those
tormenting ghosts of yesterday gets more urgent than ever. We have to talk to
somebody about them.
So intense, though, is our fear and
reluctance to do this, that many A.A.'s at first try to bypass Step Five. We
search for an easier way--which usually consists of the general and fairly
painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors. Then, for
good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking
behavior which our friends probably know about
anyhow.
But of the things which really
bother and burn us, we say nothing. Certain distressing or humiliating
memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone. These will remain
our secret. Not a soul must ever know. We hope they'll go to the grave with us.
Yet if A.A.'s experience means
anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve.
Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step
Five. Some people are unable to stay sober at all; others will relapse
periodically until they really clean house. Even A.A. old timers, sober for
years, often pay dearly for skimping this Step. They will tell how they tried
to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety,
remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would
sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they
themselves were trying to conceal. They always discovered that relief never
came by confessing the sins of other people. Everybody had to confess his own.
This practice of admitting one's
defects to another person is, of course, very ancient. It has been validated in
every century, and it characterizes the lives of all spiritually centered and
truly religious people. But today religion is by no means the sole advocate of
this saving principle. Psychiatrists and psychologists point out the deep need
every human being has for practical insight and knowledge of his own
personality flaws and for a discussion of them with an understanding and
trustworthy person. So far as alcoholics are concerned, A.A. would go even
further. Most of us would declare that without a fearless admission of our
defects to another human being we could not stay sober. It seems plain that the
grace of God will not enter to expel our destructive obsessions until we are
willing to try this.
What are we likely to receive from
Step Five? For one thing, we shall get rid of that terrible sense of isolation
we've always had. Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by
loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off,
nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong. Either we
were shy, and dared not draw near others, or we were apt to be noisy good
fellows craving attention and companionship, but never getting it--at least to
our way of thinking. There was always that mysterious barrier we could neither
surmount nor understand. It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly
realizing that we did not know a single line of our parts. That's one reason we
loved alcohol too well. It did let us act extemporaneously. But even Bacchus
boomeranged on us; we were finally struck down and left in terrified
loneliness.
When we reached A.A., and for the
first time in our lives stood among people who seemed to understand, the sense
of belonging was tremendously exciting. We thought the isolation problem had
been solved. But we soon discovered that while we weren't alone any more in a
social sense, we still suffered many of the old pangs of anxious apartness.
Until we had talked with complete candor of our conflicts, and had listened to
someone else do the same thing, we still didn't belong. Step Five was the
answer. It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God.
This vital Step was also the means
by which we began to get the feeling that we could be forgiven, no matter what
we had thought or done. Often it was while working on this Step with our
sponsors or spiritual advisers that we first felt truly able to forgive others,
no matter how deeply we felt they had wronged us. Our moral inventory had
persuaded us that all-round forgiveness was desirable, but it was only when we
resolutely tackled Step Five that we inwardly knew we'd be able to receive
forgiveness and give it, too.
Another great dividend we may expect
from confiding our defects to another human being is humility--a word often
misunderstood. To those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear
recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to
become what we could be. Therefore, our first practical move toward humility
must consist of recognizing our
deficiencies.
No defect can be corrected unless we clearly see what it is. But we shall have
to do more than see. The objective look at ourselves we achieved in Step Four
was, after all, only a look. All of us saw, for example, that we lacked honesty
and tolerance, that we were beset at times by attacks of self-pity or delusions
of personal grandeur. But while this was a humiliating experience, it didn't
necessarily mean that we had yet acquired much actual humility. Though now
recognized, our defects were still there. Something had to be done about them.
And we soon found that we could not wish or will them away by ourselves.
More realism and therefore more
honesty about ourselves are the great gains we make under the influence of Step
Five. As we took inventory, we began to suspect how much trouble self-delusion
had been causing us. This had brought a
disturbing reflection. If all our lives we had more or less fooled ourselves,
how could we now be so sure that we weren't still self-deceived? How could we
be certain that we had made a true catalog of our defects and had really
admitted them, even to ourselves? Because we were still bothered by fear,
self-pity, and hurt feelings, it was probable we couldn't appraise ourselves
fairly at all. Too much guilt and remorse might cause us to dramatize and
exaggerate our shortcomings. Or anger and hurt pride might be the smoke screen
under which we were hiding some of our defects while we blamed others for them.
Possibly, too, we were still handicapped by many liabilities, great and small,
we never knew we had.
Hence it was most evident that a
solitary self-appraisal, and the admission of our defects based upon that
alone, wouldn't be nearly enough. We'd have to have outside help if we were surely
to know and admit the truth about ourselves—the help of God and another human
being. Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being
willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to
straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.
Yet many of us still hung back. We
said, "Why can't `God as we understand Him' tell us where we are astray?
If the Creator gave us our lives in the first place, then He must know in every
detail where we have since gone wrong. Why don't we make our admissions to Him
directly? Why do we need to bring anyone else into this?"
At this stage, the difficulties of
trying to deal rightly with God by ourselves are twofold. Though we may at
first be startled to realize that God knows all about us, we are apt to get
used to that quite quickly. Somehow, being alone with God doesn't seem as
embarrassing as facing up to another person. Until we actually sit down and
talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is
still largely theoretical. When we are honest with another person, it confirms
that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.
The second difficulty is this: what
comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking.
The benefit of talking to another person is that we can get his direct comment
and counsel on our situation, and there can be no doubt in our minds what that
advice is. Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous. How many times
have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all
too plain that they were sorely mistaken. Lacking both practice and humility,
they had deluded themselves and were able to justify the most arrant nonsense
on the ground that this was what God had told them. It is worth noting that
people of very high spiritual development almost always insist on checking with
friends or spiritual advisers the guidance they feel they have received from
God. Surely, then, a novice ought not lay himself open to the chance of making
foolish, perhaps tragic, blunders in this fashion. While the comment or advice
of others may be by no means infallible, it is likely to be far more specific
than any direct guidance we may receive while we are still so inexperienced in
establishing contact with a Power greater than ourselves.
Our next problem will be to discover
the person in whom we are to confide. Here we ought to take much care,
remembering that prudence is a virtue which carries a high rating. Perhaps we
shall need to share with this person facts about ourselves which no others
ought to know. We shall want to speak with someone who is experienced, who not
only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious difficulties.
Difficulties, perhaps, like our own. This person may turn out to be one's
sponsor, but not necessarily so. If you have developed a high confidence in
him, and his temperament and problems are close to your own, then such a choice
will be good. Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of knowing
something about your case.
Perhaps, though, your relation to
him is such that you -would care to reveal only a part of your story. If this
is the situation, by all means do so, for you ought to make a beginning as soon
as you can. It may turn out, however, that you'll choose someone else for the
more difficult and deeper revelations. This individual may be entirely outside
of A.A.--for example, your clergyman or your doctor. For some of us, a complete
stranger may prove the best bet.
The real tests of the situation are
your own willingness to confide and your full confidence in the one with whom
you share your first accurate self-survey. Even when you've found the person,
it frequently takes great resolution to approach him or her. No one ought to
say the A.A. program requires no willpower; here is one place you may require
all you've got. Happily, though, the chances are that you will be in for a very
pleasant surprise. When your mission is carefully explained, and it is seen by
the recipient of your confidence how helpful he can really be, the conversation
will start easily and will soon become eager. Before long, your listener may
well tell a story or two about himself which will place you even more at ease.
Provided you hold back nothing, your sense of relief will mount from minute to
minute. The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and
miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed. As the pain subsides, a
healing tranquility takes its place. And when humility and serenity are so
combined, something else of great moment is apt to occur. Many an A.A., once
agnostic or atheistic, tells us that it was during this stage of Step Five that
he first actually felt the presence of God. And even those who had faith already
often become conscious of God as they never were before.
This feeling of being at one with
God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing
of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may
prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful
sobriety.
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